You do not need to spend a great deal of time around hypnotists or therapists before you hear talk of rapport. Some hypnotists would say it increases the chances of your hypnosis being effective. Others would say it is absolutely essential.

In the context of therapeutic hypnosis, Rubin Battino writes:

‘Before you can effectively work with someone, rapport has to be established.’ (Ericksonian Approaches, p. 35.)

Personally, I am in complete agreement with Battino. In fact, I would say that rapport is needed for any hypnosis, not just for those in therapy. There are those who would argue that whilst desirable, rapport is not essential for Stage or Street hypnosis. However, I have found that in many cases, such people have a different understanding of rapport than mine.

What is Rapport?

Most formal definitions of rapport agree as to its nature:

‘a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned are “in sync” with each other, understand each other’s feelings or ideas, and communicate smoothly.’ (Wikipedia)

‘a friendly, harmonious relationship; especially a relationship characterized by agreement, mutual understanding, or empathy that makes communication possible or easy’ (Miriam-Webster)

‘a good understanding of someone and an ability to communicate well with them.’ (Cambridge Dictionary)

Whilst we may say that they all refer to the same sort of inter-personal connection, there is a significant difference between the first two definitions and that offered by the Cambridge Dictionary.

Wikipedia and the Miriam-Webster Dictionary speak of a relationship with a certain level of intimacy. It is ‘harmonious’ and ‘friendly,’ or even ‘close.’ These two definitions are referring to relationships characterised by mutual affection and deep knowledge of one another. (However, I would note that Wikipedia’s description of being ‘in sync’ with each other does not necessarily require the ‘close and harmonious relationship’ that it also describes.)

Interestingly, the Cambridge Dictionary does not necessarily require the elements of intimacy and mutual affection. It would seem to fit more with the notion of being ‘in sync,’ without requiring a close, friendly or harmonious relationship.

My understanding and use of the term would match the Cambridge definition more than the previous two. I simply think of being in rapport as having a connection with someone. This can be of an emotional kind – where we might speak of “clicking” or having “good chemistry” with someone – or a more distant sense of being on the same page as someone – where being “in sync” would be an adequate description.

In my experience, the sort of rapport that is required for hypnosis (therapeutic or otherwise) does not require a close or friendly relationship. I do not even think it requires my clients to like me. However, I do think we need to be in sync on some level and on the same page regarding what is taking place.

My definition would include someone trusting me, but would not necessarily need them to think of me in a friendly manner. The reason why I view things this way is because from time to time I will use elements of provocative therapy in my sessions. I will normally have pre-warned my client, by saying something like, “I should warn you that a previous client once referred to me as being ‘playfully provocative.’ I think what they meant by that is that I like to play Devil’s advocate and sometimes it might seem like I’m splashing a metaphorical cup of water in your face, or pushing you to answer a question more thoroughly.”

I then add the all important line: “So, if it ever seems to you like I am being a bit of a jerk, just presume it’s all part of the therapy and we’ll get along just fine!” (All of this is said with a light-hearted glint in my eyes.)

There is an example I use in my Stop Smoking book that I often refer to. I worked with a woman who had tried to quit numerous times. When I asked her how much she smoked, she laughed and said, “It’s silly really… I only smoke ten a day.” Throughout the rest of the session, I used the word “silly” at different times, often with a slight chuckle.

At one point, she slammed her hand down on the desk and said, “It’s not silly! This could kill me!” I stopped what I was doing and acted shocked before saying, “You are absolutely right. Let’s take this seriously.”

I do not think anyone would say that I had developed a friendly or harmonious relationship with that client. In fact, I don’t think they liked me at all! Yet, personally, I look back on that as a successful demonstration of rapport. We were on the same page in agreeing that 1) I was being a jerk and 2) this was no laughing matter. There was the kernel of a connection that we could utilise to get in sync and agree that smoking was not silly at all, despite what she has previously said.

Why do we need rapport?

So, if we are not looking to build close and harmonious relationships, why do we need rapport?

When we have rapport, there is a sense that we are going in the same direction. Our client trusts us. Given that some people seem to have a slight fear of hypnosis, their trust in us is invaluable.

With rapport, clients drop their guard more easily and follow our lead, or accept our suggestions, almost effortlessly. The look on my client’s face after I said, “You are absolutely right. Let’s take this seriously,” was wonderful. I knew there and then that she was confident I had her back, that she trusted me to help her and would engage positively with the session.

Rapport helps communication progress more smoothly. There is less talking at cross purposes and more shared mutual commitment to the same goals.

Rapport removes any sense of you versus your client. Instead, it becomes you and your client versus their problem. (I don’t actually think of my client’s issues as being our enemy, but I’m sure you get the point.) Or, it becomes you and your client working towards the same end.

Techniques to Build Rapport

There are a number of techniques hypnotists use to build rapport.

Instant Unconditional Positive Regard

Carl Rogers introduced the idea of ‘Unconditional Positive Regard.’ This means acting and speaking in such a way that our clients know we are there for them, with a warm concern for their well-being.

One way to express this is to listen to your client as if they were your best friend about to tell you a secret, or were telling you something incredibly interesting. The idea is not to pretend you are interested, but to step into that role, recreating your internal state as it would be with your friend.

This should be easy enough for most hypnotists to achieve, but the following example from Igor Ledochowski (Deep Trance Training Manual, p. 25) unpacks this idea into a number of steps:

1. Think of a person that you are close to – someone that you have those good feelings with. Recall the sensation in your body of really liking someone.
2. When you have the feeling, focus on it to make it grow. Let it spread over your chest, shoulders, arms, etc.
3. If you can associate a colour to that feeling, imagine that colour intensifying and spreading along your body until your whole body seems to pulse with the sensation.
4. Allow that feeling to project out of you, surrounding you in a ball of rapport energy.
5. Send a beam of this colour/feeling out towards the person you want to have rapport with. Wrap it around them and inside them until you feel that connection inside you. You might get a sensation of empathy – a kind of knowing what the other person is feeling. Perhaps you’ll get a sense of what it would feel like to be standing the way they do, or wearing the clothes they are wearing.
6. When the feeling of being connected settles in, you can let it drift to the back of your mind whilst you put your full awareness on the interaction.
7. If appropriate, remember to reduce/end the exercise when you are finished.

One of the useful things about this technique is how flexible it is. For example, rather than thinking of someone you are close to, you might think of someone you find incredibly interesting, or someone who you find extremely funny, and so on.

Representational Systems (VAKOG)

Some people believe that we all have a preferred representational system. That is, we tend to perceive and record our experiences through a primary sense. That could be visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory (smell) or gustatory (taste).

Furthermore, it is often claimed that the way we tend to express ourselves verbally can reveal our preferred representational system. So, the following sentences may mean the same thing, but they are expressed according to different senses:

“It looks a bit dodgy to me” (V)

“That doesn’t sound right” (A)

“Something feels off” (K)

“It smells fishy to me” (O)

“This leaves a bad taste in my mouth” (G)

Whether or not there is much truth to the idea of preferred representational systems – and the research is by no means conclusive – when it comes to dialogue with our clients, it may be good practice to adopt the same sense that they express themselves with.

So, if your client says, “it looks a bit dodgy to me,” you would not generally reply with, “yeah, it smells fishy to me too.” This potentially damages rapport, if your client feels that you are not listening to them or fully understanding what they are saying.

Instead, you might ask, “Something doesn’t look right?”

Matching Non-verbal Shifts

Human beings and primates seem to naturally match some of the behaviours of people they are in rapport with. Examples could include a group of children, all speaking at the same pace and volume, or two adults adopting similarly relaxed seating postures.

As a sort of short-cut to rapport, you might act as if you are already in rapport, by matching your client’s non-verbal shifts. Non-verbal shifts can take many forms: changes in posture, scratching the head, gestures, breathing patterns, etc. So, if they cross their legs, cross your legs. If they raise their eyebrows, raise your eyebrows and so on.

The key here is not to be too obvious. If your client realises what you are doing, they might conclude that you are mimicking them, or worse. Instead, they should not be aware of what you are doing, but may subconsciously sense that you are both in sync.

You will know your matching is going well if it allows you to pace and lead. So, for example, you might cross your legs each time they do. Then, after a while, you might find that if you cross your legs, they will follow you.

Mirroring and Cross Matching

Mirroring simply means that you match their behaviour, but as if in a mirror image. So, if they scratched the left side of their face, you might scratch the right side of yours.

An example of cross-matching would be tapping your leg each time they blinked. In my experience, cross-matching is a powerful and underrated technique.

Facial Listening

One of the techniques that I occasionally teach for rapport-building is what I call ‘facial listening.’ This is simply a case of using facial expressions to reflect that you are interested and listening intently.

One of the most common ways to do this is to lean forward as your client is talking. Then, after a while you lean your head to one side and frown slightly as they are speaking. Then after a second or two, you nod your head in response to what they are saying.

Finally, your frown turns to a smile, as you nod definitely a while longer.

You might want to try this first with friends and family. As long as you are genuinely interested, you will find that this little technique reflects your interest quite clearly.

Speaking of being genuine, let’s finish by considering a different approach.

An Alternative Perspective

The sort of techniques shared above intend to make the client feel there is a connection between the two of you. You are in sync, on the same team, singing from the same song-sheet and so on.

Yet, here’s the thing – instead of perfecting techniques that give the impression of unconditional positive regard, why not actually have it? Rather than working to make your clients think you are listening, why not actually listen to them?

The sort of rapport building exercises we’ve looked at are used because of the well-known phenomena whereby friends and lovers mirror each other unconsciously. Yet, if we genuinely felt that way, would we not find ourselves acting in such a way without forcing ourselves to?

Instead of using the beam of rapport described earlier to give the impression of being in rapport, why not view it as a technique to help you actually get in rapport with someone? You could then use it before you even see your client, somewhat like a meditation technique to build and express positive regard for someone else.

It is rare to meet someone who is not interesting in some way. So, perhaps we can focus on listening to them, to find the point of interest. It would be difficult to find someone that we did not have at least one thing in common with. So, why not look for that thing in common, by listening intently and genuinely to what they have to say?

It seems to me that we could benefit from working on our own external focus and attention, rather than spending too long finding clever techniques to conjure up rapport. That means that a loving-kindness meditation might be a better use of our time, than practising “rapport-building techniques.”

Such an approach involves acknowledging that we are still a work in progress, not a perfected finished product operating on a higher plane than our clients. So, ironically, in order to be the kind of person who has a genuine interest and focus on other people, we need to start with ourselves.

Having said all of that, I would like to finish by sharing one final technique. Rather than giving the illusion of rapport, or artificially creating it, this is a simple method to express the rapport you already have and move forward with that. It is also a great way to level the playing field and demonstrate that you really are both on the same team (to mix a few too many metaphors!).

Explicit Collaborative Outcomes

When I work with a client, I often start by establishing explicit collaborative outcomes (ECO). This means that we work to make their outcomes for the session detailed and clear.

I then surprise them by telling them what I would like to get out of the session! I also ask my client to work with me towards them. This almost always elicits an amused curiosity and – as I explain what I mean – pretty much universal agreement.

An example would be, “I recently went on a training event for hypnotists where they taught us a quick way to get to hypnosis, using our clients dreams. I would love to go through that with you?”

ECO allows us to be almost literally on the same page as our clients. We are a team working towards outcomes we have both agreed to support each other with.

Give it a go. It is delightfully effective and a positive experience to begin your work together.